Wear. Wash. Repeat.

 

By L.A. Winnen

March 12th, 2025

Some days my heart just hurts.  I look back at my past and see the repeating patterning, my repeating patterns.  Why did I let myself do that again and again?  You hear logical reasoning in your head.  There are so many reasons that make sense, until you look back 6 months later... a year later...5 years later.  The crazy part is that I saw it has a different path with a means to a different outcome, but it was the same. It was just dressed in a different list of reasonings.  Wear. Wash. Repeat. The pattern became my favorite pair of jeans.  I wear them daily. Wear. Wash. Repeat.  Repeat to yourself that you're not tired of the same old sufferings, the same old sacrifices. I wear the jeans not only every day, but now to bed, should I wash them?  Or should I just wear them until they fall from my feminist form? Just wear. Repeat...repeat...repeat...

I came cut them into something new.  A pair of shorts, a sassy jean skirt, and then just add the same old tired tank top.  But, when you cut away some of the pattern, you see your naked self under the reasonings.  The stark white of my flesh, like an ironed wedding dress, so stiff when it moves, picking up the dust as its heavy mass slides along the floor.  

The reality of this moment.  I need to break the patterns.  The reasonings don't fit anymore.  They just weigh me down like the heavy mass of a stiff wedding dress catches dust bunnies and petals.  I need something new.  A new pattern and a new set of reasonings.... but wait. I don't want to end up in this place again anytime soon?  How do I break away? break away?  I don't want to repeat... 

These patterns.  I don't want to look back 6 months later....1 year later....5 years later and think I wasted my time.  My life on the making of patterns.  I don't want to cut the same old tired jeans into a new quick fashion.  What kind of peace can I make with an old pair of recycled jeans?  How do I hide the stark white of a stiff wedding dress below the denim fabric?  Perhaps, I just need to arise naked in stark white and be honest with my choices and myself.  I will always be working on a better pattern.  Patterns can be a lovely mix with a pop of color.  I choose a pop of red, yellow, and teal-blue...templates to a stunning summer dress.  A whimsical skirt and a peasant blouse to hide the fact, I don't want to shave.  The loose fit will help me feel the wind and dance in the sea, like a pebble on the beach.  

A new pattern.  Wear. Wash. Repeat.  Wear. Wash. Repeat....repeat.... repeat.